Yesterday I gave away four large bags of baby and toddler clothes to our local pregnancy center. I had been giving clothes away for the past several years but I had kept these newborn - toddler items for the past 8 years in hopes of using them again.
As I looked and touched tiny pjs and dresses, it was hard to believe that she had ever been that tiny.
I was packing and giving away more than just clothes. Giving these clothes away was part of facing the reality that God has said "no" to our prayers for a second child.
After facing infertility, He answered "yes" to the birth of our daughter, and we were overjoyed. But He said a resounding "no" to a sibling for her.
I felt sad even as I tried to analyze and reason away the pain.
I thought of the Blaise Pascal quote: "The heart has its reasons, which reason does not know. We feel it in a thousand things. It is the heart which experiences God, and not the reason. This, then, is faith: God felt by the heart, not by the reason."
Although Pascal is talking about his relationship with God, the first sentence made me think of my desire for a second child. I can think of all the logical reasons why God answered "no" but it doesn't help me on an emotional level.
I felt God gently telling me to stop my evasive maneuvers and to be honest with Him about how I felt. He knew anyway, and He wanted to comfort me--if I would let Him.
I kept praying "Thy will be done" throughout the day as the pain of packing up our dream of a second child kept hitting my heart.
Saying "good-bye" to a cherished dream is hard but necessary when it differs from God's plan for you.
Thy will be done.
P.S. We have also been praying for God's leading regarding adoption, which we think is wonderful. At this point, we have not sensed God leading us toward the high calling of adoption.
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