As I read Parenting from the Inside Out last night, I was reminded that I failed to listen (and love) well yesterday - many times. [Sigh!]  Granted, I did listen well once when I looked for the heart-message behind the words before immediately jumping into fix-it-mode.  But then there were the half-dozen times where I blew it...big time.

The recovering perfectionist in me tries to remember that God's grace covers mistakes and I do apologize to our daughter when I blow it.  The Holy Spirit reminds me of God's grace that covers imperfect parenting and that God does not condemn me (Romans 8:1).  Today is a new day {Hallelujah!} and I'm practicing what I read about listening well.

Here are some helpful excerpts from Parenting from the Inside Out by Daniel J. Siegel, M.D. and Mary Hartzell, M.Ed.:

"Healthy relationships require that we make choices that support our children's need for love and nurturing and create experiences that bring structure to the complex dynamic of the parent-child relationship." 

"For example, a mother was getting ready to cook dinner for company when her five-year old daughter came into the kitchen wanting to work with a waterclor paint set at the kitchen counter."

There is conflict between the mother valuing her daughter's creative initiative and her goal of finishing her preparation for company.  Similar scenarios can be played out whenever a parent has one goal and the child has a different one that hinders the parent's goal.

What do Siegal and Hartzell suggest?

"An abrupt 'no' response may have created frustration for her daughter, and a disconnection and possible argument that would needlessly require time and energy." [Hate to admit it, but I have done this before and I don't recommend it.]

They recommend instead:

"A contingent response could be something like, 'I know that you love to paint but I am really busy getting dinner ready for our company and I'm afraid that I'd get cranky having you paint in the kitchen.'" (emphasis added)

"A contingent response would allow the mother to join with her child in a collaborative process of communication to create an outcome that would be of mutual satisfaction to both mother and daughter."

It does take longer than saying "no" but it has the benefit of building relationship by communicating that you value your child.  You have taken the time to listen to your child communicate her desire to paint and you have also let her know that mom has needs. 

Haste in responding to your child does make waste because you waste a chance to connect with and to teach your child collaboration skills.  So don't hastily say "no" or "yes" to your child's request when it conflicts with your goal.  Instead take the time to create a contigent response so that the two of you can collaboratively communicate when possible.  I understand that this will not work in certain situations but it can most of the time.

And if you blow it, like me, just apologize, and move on.  God graciously collaborates with us in our growth. 

How can you practice a contingent response with your child(ren) today? 

Photo courtesy of:viiiiicx3

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