Do you ever wish you were somewhere else, but here? 

I have.  But God has been gently reassuring me that it is okay to be here when I am WITH Him.  In my messy process of learning to love and live like Him.

He is lovingly patient with me even as I struggle with impatience and fully receiving His love.

What does my here look like?

Yesterday, I was not very patient (internally) with the woman with way more than 15 items in the 15 item Express Check-out Line ahead of me.  She had a cartload of items, and she disappeared after most of her items were bagged while I and the clerk waited. 

The clerk didn't mind waiting because she was friends with the woman.  I gleaned this tidbit while I waited and prayed about not fuming because, really does this matter in the big scheme of things?  Not, right?

After what felt like several minutes, the woman reappeared with more beer, then she said, to no one in particular, "Oh, it is a 15 Item line?"

Because they were friends, the clerk said, "It doesn't matter, no one was in line."  The woman didn't disagree.

Her words made me think of the adage "It is not what you know, but who you know that matters."  Clearly true as I stood invisible in this grocery chain's 15 Item Express Line.

This is where I wanted to yell, "Yes, it is fine, no one is in line, just me, nobody."  My carb and sleep-craving brain and body did not have the energy to reply.

But the reality was my heart was not feeling gracious at all.  I waited with my six items and did not say a word.  I did not chat with the clerk like I usually do when it is my turn.

As I walked out, I whispered a breath prayer to God.  "Help me to see you."

I am free to tell God that I felt discounted.  Whispers from the past about how my feelings really don't matter surface. 

I wish I could have been gracious and told the woman, "It is okay, it happens, sometimes we don't notice that we're in an express lane."  I wish I could have said to the clerk, "Excuse me, but I am in line and I am not 'no one.'"  On and on.

But I didn't.

The reality is where I do I go from, but from here?  And isn't He a God of ALL reality, including my present imperfect here? I realize there are bigger issues in the world but this was where I was yesterday and God was speaking to me.

The God who came in flesh like a babe to be born in a stinky and dirty manger.  [No offense to the animals present.]  The God, who is so big, that He can actually care about each of us as INDIVIDUALS.

He is not a mass-marketing, one-size-fits-all, God.

I have a long way to go to be formed into Christ's image in my desires, thoughts, words, and actions.  But that's okay.  The point is: I am here WITH HIM.

More importantly, I am free to be here because He is WITH me and He loves me. (Heb. 13:5)

He IS changing me.  Slowly.  Sometimes imperceptibly, He is changing my thoughts about who He is, who I am, and who others are.

The freedom to admit that I am here with my emotions and process to God is the doorway through which I have the freedom to grow and change.

Where are you today?  What does your "here" look like?  Are you able to invite God to be part of it with you?

Linking up with Emily at Imperfect Prose.

Image courtesy of: chirkyblog

© Soul Stops/Dolly L. 2011.   All Rights Reserved.

I am as free to receive God's love to the degree that I am open to His love.

God is always reaching toward me in love, but I am not always as freely receptive as I long to be.

How do I close myself to His love?  Whenever I reject His words of acceptance and value to me, and choose to listen instead to those voices (past and present) that tell me that I am not good enough.  Not worthy of love.

"Sin as Refusal to Recognize that We are Loved.  Perhaps as a result of rejection [yes, in my case] or failed love relationships [yes, again], we do not know how deeply loved we are.  We think that we have to keep proving that we are loveable."

Jewish Spiritual Guidance by Carol Ochs and Kerry Olitzky

As I read I John 1:5 -2:2, I am reminded that He is light and there is no darkness in Him.  I confess my sin and bask in the light of His freeing love.

While reading Psalm 130,  I imagine Christ on the cross and we talk.  I am embarrassed that I doubt His love when I can barely look at his red-bloodied and ripped up face, skin and muscles.   But I softly murmur, "I am sorry for not being more open to Your love for me."  Forgive me for thinking that I should or could even earn your love.  So foolish.  So prideful.

Tears well up as I feel Him love me tender.  No condemnation.  No judgment.  Just warm and whisper-soft like an enveloping blanket on a cold day falls His Spirit on me.

I love you.

After praying about what to write today, I am surprised to find a comment to a post that I wrote back in September.  Funny, how God can speak to me (so gently) the same thing He told me two months ago.  No sigh of exasperation at how slow I am to grasp what is true.  Just patience.  My defenses melt.  I open and freely receive His love.

Read the post (that inspired today's post) "Does your heart need an umbrella" here.

Are you free to receive His love, or are you hiding? 

Image Courtesy of: NewBeginnings2

© Soul Stops/Dolly L. 2011.   All Rights Reserved.

When I was a child, a Sunday School teacher taught me that prayer was composed of four actions, represented by the acronym "ACTS." "A" for "Adoration," "C" for "Confession," "T" for "Thanksgiving," and "S" for "Supplication," which is when you ask God for what you want.

I practiced "ACTS" like a monologue.

"ACTS" is not a bad place to start but it is a bad place to stop in one's relationship with God. As a little girl, I mistakenly (and unconsciously) believed that I had to follow this formula if I wanted to be a good Christian and have God answer my prayers.

There was no place for a dialogue with God that involved questions.   It also did not include space for me to listen for God's answer (should He choose to give one) when I asked a question.  It didn't convey the give and take that occurs between two people in a real conversation.

As a child, I unconsciously thought that God was like certain adults in my life; He didn't care what I thought or felt.  He simply wanted me to be a "good girl" and keep my mouth shut.  In the past 12 years or so, I have discovered quite the opposite is true.

God longs for me to share my heart and thoughts with Him.  He is like the attentive lover who leans forward to listen to my every word.  My response, in love, is to move closer so I can hear His reply.

"Trust in Him at all times...Pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us." Psalm 62:8 (NASB)

God never tires of my ramblings although I am a verbal processor, who can flit from one tangent to another faster than a hummingbird hovers from one colorful nectar-rich flower to another.

David was called "a man after God's heart" and he had no-holds-barred conversations with God that are (thankfully) recorded in the Psalms. 

Real love requires dialogue not a monologue - even when the words don't flow easily.

Do you dialogue with God?  If yes, what about?  Please share, if you are able, it would be a blessing to hear from you.

Image Credit: chevygirl1064

© Soul Stops/Dolly L. 2011.   All Rights Reserved.