Sometimes I find the joy of His presence *most clearly, when I spend an afternoon at the beach with my family. The infinite sky and rhythmic dancing of waves on the sand settle me.

Photo courtesy of Flickr user chadh

We drove to Carmel Beach with hopes as bright as the day shined. We relished the unusually sunny (though windy) day. Our girl pulsed with joy about showing Jubi's favorite place to our puppy Bailey.

It has been about a year since Jubi's last visit to Carmel. He must have looked like he was ready to depart because people stopped to ask how old he was. One man even surprised me by saying he thought Jubi had 3-6 more months.

Jubi couldn't run, but he still enjoyed occasionally saying "hi" to another dog, or to a friendly face.

We cried our good-bye to Jubi on July 11, 2012.

Like Jubi, Bailey runs to greet all the dogs running off leash on the beach. There is the doggie sniff and greet, and then they play chase or wrestle.

Like Jubi, he quickly learns not all dogs want to play with him, and a few dogs do not even want to say "hi."

It feels a little strange to be here without Jubi after 13 years, but my heart can't help singing with delight at our girl's laughter and joy at Bailey's happy romp. Memories of death while also creating memories of a new life.

Saying "good-bye" and grieving so one can say "hello" to new life and new possibilities.

Saying "good-bye" to sins and old ways of thinking, and saying "yes" to Christ's new life inside of me. Each day can be like a mini-Lent and Easter.

It is a once birth, but also a daily birth as I learn daily to die to my old selfish ways of thinking and acting. And it is His love that warms my cold heart and moves me to change.

Sometimes God's love feels like a warm cozy blanket wrapped tight on a cold winter's day.

Sometimes God's love feels harsh, and distant when He loves me enough to discipline, and/or test me so I can grow to greater maturity (James 1:2-4).

And sometimes, when I ponder His love, it surprises me. Yes. Because God's love is so undeserved, and so unconditional.

What kind of a Father welcomes back a son, who wished him dead, and squandered his inheritance? God. (Luke 15:11-32).

The God of the Bible came in human flesh to die for humans, who wanted nothing to do with Him.

God "is not proud, He stoops to conquer, He will have us even though we have shown that we will prefer everything else to Him, and come to Him because there is 'nothing better' now to be had."-C.S. Lewis,The Problem of Pain.

Prayer:

Dear Father God,

It is staggering when I think of how much you loved me, and continue to love me. Let me be so enraptured and captured by your love that I would willingly follow You, wherever You lead.

You have loved me to the uttermost, so I can trust You with my life.

Forgive me for my lack of trust at times. Please give me the grace to live fully the new life You have given me.

In Jesus' name.

Amen.

What touches you when you ponder His love for you? What have you died to so that you can experience His life anew in you?

Thank you for your presence here.

* Post on "J"oy in the Alphabet of Thanks Series. Earlier posts can be found along my right side bar under the category "Alphabet of Thanks."

Thank you for your patience and grace as I have not kept up with a regular posting schedule for the series as I had hoped.

Also linking today with sweet and gifted friend Laura, 

Encouraging friend Jennifer

and the amazing Jen 

and thoughtful Michelle

© Soul Stops 2013/ Dolly Lee. All Rights Reserved.

Jubi as a young dog at Carmel Beach (a favorite spot when we can visit).

Jubi has been gone for over three months, and our girl wants another dog something fierce.

For the past month, she searched online at different rescue groups looking for a dog. She wrote lists for what she wanted in a new dog.

Every meal, she talks about the dogs she found: Scarlett, cute puppy but already adopted, Teddy, same story after we applied, and then there was Bruno, and then Peanut...more about those last two.

She has laser-focus. Can you say persuasive?

My heart was torn. Originally, I told her we would not get a dog right away because we needed to grieve Jubi.

My reason was based on H. Norman Wright's book, Recovering From the Losses of Life, and how we can bypass the necessary and hard work of grief by immediately looking for a replacement. You know, the sudden jumping into a new relationship because loss is so painful.

Then a friend said each person's process is different, and I know our girl's grief differs from my deeper grief. So I gave into her desire to look for another dog.

All the while, I kept telling her we were praying for God's leading to bring the right dog into our lives.

We passed several phone interviews, and we were granted a visit with Bruno (a 10-11 month yellow lab rescued from a shelter) about two weeks ago.

Before we met Bruno, our girl kept asking me, "Is it God's will that we get him because we've gotten so far in the process?"

I get where she is coming from: we all want certainty. Control.

Like a broken record, I replied, "I don't know. I don't know what God's will is. I just know we are to pray, and God will do what is best for us."

Was she happy with my answer? Probably not, as she kept asking the same question over and over, and I kept giving the same answer.

After what we thought was a great 15 minute visit with Bruno, and encouraging words from the rescue rep, we waited for a reply.

About 3-4 days later, we learned Bruno was given to a family with teenagers because the trainer, who evaluated Bruno, thought he should not go to a family with younger kids.

We were disappointed as all signs seemed to point to "yes." Secretly, I was relieved. Bruno was a little frenetic, and required much time to train and exercise. Moreover, on the days leading up to our visit with Bruno, and afterwards, tears kept surprising me as I missed Jubi.

Then, there was Peanut (a shepherd/retriever mix). Another rescue group said, "yes." We spent Saturday afternoon preparing the house for her arrival as a foster-adopt.

We planned to pick Peanut up on Tuesday as instructed.

On Sunday, we were told the shelter had made a mistake and given Peanut to another rescue group. No Peanut. Our poor girl was very sad.

She became convinced that God would never give us another dog. She doubted God's goodness. All understandable.

We acknowledged her disappointment. We listened as she talked.

Then I reminded her God intervened, and said "no" because He had another dog in mind for our family. We had prayed. If we had gotten Peanut, then we would have missed out on the dog God had for us.

We must trust God's timing and provision. I learned this truth the hard way, and I still need to relearn it sometimes.

We will either trust God to provide what we need, or we will trust ourselves to provide, and miss out on God's best provision for us.

Then we went to church, and the message was on Genesis 1-11;  it dealt with trusting God to provide.

Ahem.

Adam and Eve didn't trust God with what He had provided (Gen. 2:9.15-17). They wanted to be like God without God.

Because Adam and Eve didn't trust God to provide what was best for them, they grasped for what looked best to them. And they discovered: there is no God's best apart from obeying God.

This runs so counter to our human tendencies, and popular cultural views.

So Eve, then Adam, listened to the serpent's lie (Gen. 3:1-6), and they ate from the one tree, God told Adam not to eat from. And the consequences of their choice unfolded: they felt shame for the first time, hid from God, blamed another, competition between brothers, murder etc.

Yet, we also see God's grace, as He begins the restoration process with the promise of a Messiah hidden at the end of Gen. 3:15.

If we're honest, we can all relate to Adam and Eve. The desire for control, and taking what we think is good for us. There are the obvious sins: lying, murder, and adultery to further one's goal.

But what about the subtle grasping for identity and self-worth instead of trusting God's provision through relationship with Him? If I have a child, or if I get married, or if I obtain this job/accomplishment, then I will be satisfied.

These are good dreams, and I am not disparaging them.

But if any dream, no matter how good, causes you to seek for life apart from God, then it ceases to be good for you. Why? Because your hope is now in that dream's fulfillment rather than in God's love for you.

God designed us to find our fullest life (or soul satisfaction) in relationship with Him.

I don't think we sinned by looking for another dog. But I was becoming concerned over how our girl's desire for a dog was affecting her relationship with God.

After my man and I talked last night, God showed me that I wasn't ready to open my heart to another dog. He cared more about my heart than I did. (Getting teary, here.)

Life is all about relationship with God. He surprises me by what He will do for relationship with you and me. He will send His only Son to die on a cross for us. Crazy, huh?

He loves you and me that much.

Questions to mull over:

Have you ever wanted a dream so bad that you didn't care what God said, you were going to forge ahead?

When has God said "no" to a dream, and in hindsight, you can see His love and grace in His "no?"

What dream are you trusting God to provide? A relationship? A job? Strength to deal with health issues? A new life vision?

Thank you for exploring with me during my dream series. I don't have a clear agenda. Just following where God leads.

Giving thanks with Ann:

-Our girl and a friend turning our living room into a "tent city" with cardboard boxes, fabric, and creativity.

-For how God pursues communication and relationship with you and me.

-How the failure to get Bruno and Peanut caused my hubby and I to have a talk, and for me to acknowledge that I wasn't quite ready for another dog, and that was okay.

-Learning to value my heart the way God does. Still learning...

-After writing this post, we were told that Peanut was available again....long story. For now, we will wait.

-God always has our best interests.

Linking today with sweet and gifted friend Laura, 

and giving thanks with wise Ann 

and the amazing Jen 

authentic Michelle

© Soul Stops/Dolly Lee 2012.

(Jubi's last visit to Carmel Beach.)

It has been a month since we said good-bye to our beloved Jubi..

I dreamed of Jubi last night: he charmed me with his sweet and independent (aka "I don't want to come right now...I'm busy sniffing) self.

His blue bed lies empty. I miss rubbing under his silky chin, and the soft purring sound he made only for me. It was his way of telling me he was content.

Jubi was our first dog, and the intensity of my grief, which ebbs and flows like waves, has surprised me.

The screen door opens, and I hear a knock on our front door. I peek through the peep-hole, and see a petite woman with short honey-blonde hair.

It is my very dear friend "Pam." She lost her sister, unexpectedly and quickly, to a brain tumor two months ago.

She planned to leave some unused art supplies at our doorstep.* But then she felt she should knock.

Because she walks closely to our Father's heart, she knocked. She gave up her plan so she could embrace God's plan in the moment.

I am very grateful she listened to His voice.

God knew I needed a hug, and a shoulder to cry on. We hugged tight.

She told me she had spent yesterday crying over her sister C. Today, she is better, and busy: drop off for me, then a quick visit to her mom before work.

She teared up as she talked about her sis, and we hugged again. Then she made an observation that helped me see my grief in a new light:

"I remember meeting you, and you told me you didn't have kids, but that you did have a dog named Jubi."

"At the time, you didn't know if you were ever going to be able to have kids."

"Remember that understanding your grief intellectually is not sufficient. It can't replace the emotional experience of living through this difficult time. You need to be patient and allow your feelings to catch up with your mind."

 

-H. Norman Wright, Recovering From Losses in Life

I am very humbled, and grateful God hugged me through my dear friend.

If you are grieving, I pray the God of all comfort wraps His loving arms around you. And may I give you a cyber-hug?

If you know someone, who has suffered a loss, may you offer her the gift of your presence. A listening ear, and a hug. No words necessary.

Thank you for the gift of your presence here. Truly.

How has God comforted you? How do you walk with a grieving friend?

*Pam's boys are grown up, and she graciously shares items with us as she cleans.

Read about Emily Wierenga's new book, Chasing Silhouettes, here.

Linking up with these lovely friends: check out their blogs and be blessed!

Copyright Dolly Lee/Soul Stops 2012.